at the bottom of everything.

Jennifer.

If I think about it, it almost makes me feel like I have been living the past 5 or 6 years for her. A puppet, but not in such a bad way. I'm very happy with my life right now and I can owe that to her.

It all started in 7th grade. She was in my English class, and I was some shy little kid that didn't talk to anyone, but she persisted and she very quickly grew into someone I could talk to. One of the first people that I could tell anything. The first person who could detect any mood I was feeling. She showed me what empathy was. What happiness was. Hyperness. Friendship. Comfort. She showed me what love was. She showed me how to show love and when to love and that no matter what happens between two people that love eachother, there will always be something there that bonds them together. She showed me the meaning of intangible.

The reason I started listening to bands that have shaped my music taste today is because of Jenn. The Used, Coheed, Linkin Park, Green Day. All the gay crap that slowly inspired the music I still listen to. Every song would remind me of her. She never knew it, though. Jenn was the first person I talked to on the phone. Jenn was the first person I ever wanted to kiss. The first person I passed notes with between classes. The first person I would walk with to class and feel like I was the coolest person in the world. And I was always so happy with her. Everyone made fun of me and I shouldn't of let that get to me because we had so much fun together...
When I went out with Haley it was because of Jenn.
When I went out with Tammy it was because of Jenn.
I loved Jenn. I didn't want her to know. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship, but I was so much in love with her. So I hid behind other relationships that she would kind of suggest. But I found out later that she was doing the same thing. Trying to push that love away because it was so scary. It was so strong...
And then I moved...
And I still talked to her on the phone, but even then I felt it slipping.
And me always talking about new girls. Maybe that's what did it.
One day she just liked two guys. And was asking my opinion. Of course I picked the one who was my best friend at the time because I thought the other kid was a douchebag. And you know maybe I made a good choice. They were together for almost 4 years, right?
But as soon as they started going out I felt like shit.

But I moved on, or so I thought. But then a couple months later I moved back, and it was summer.
And everyday I just wanted to go to Jenn's house. And I did.
I went to Jenn's house so many times that summer. We'd always walk to pick up her little sister. We'd always lay in the grass or lay in her room and watch music videos or listen to music or talk about everything. And it happened again. I fell in love with her again. Maybe even worse this time.
She taught me something that I'll never forget.

That moment. It was weird. The first time I really could've kissed someone. But I didn't because she was with him, and I'm not one to be a jerk. Well...at least not back then I guess, so I just tried not to think about it. Until she brought it up. She could read me so well. "Why do you keep looking at my lips?" My face probably got so red. I had no excuse so I stayed silent. "If you look at someone's lips that usually means you want to kiss them..."

Wow. She had me pegged.

I still think about that. I still look for that. It's so true, too. I have loved knowing that for this long.

But back then, she knew that I was totally falling for her. And one day I came over. And we got into a silent fight and we just stopped talking to eachother. I don't remember what happened. We both just started pouting. We had this connection that was so powerful. We always knew what the other felt or was thinking. And we'd talk about it through some weird kind of telepathy, but once it wanted to come out between breaths, that was when we would get scared. Scared of saying something that had more meaning in it then anything we had ever said before. And then hearing it would've been just as hard. To digest something like that. Not just a phrase or a word but it's like digesting a whole new emotion, or entity.

After that, I stopped coming over. And then highschool started.
At first it was so awkward between us, but it was inevitable that we become drawn back into being the best of friends. But it was different this time. Since we were actually around other people, I grew jealous. And stupid. And maybe she did too. I know she did actually. It was horrible. We'd fight so much. The same silent wars. One day we'd not say a single word to the other, but the next day we'd forgive eachother. And then it got too much for me, as most things do. And I collapsed. And the telepathy withered and I said the most harsh things that have ever come out of my mouth. Well at least up until a couple months ago.


Ever since then our relationship was scattered into a few moments of seeing eachother here and there but everytime we did there was still that feeling in the air. A very strong tension remained. I loved seeing her. We loved seeing eachother. Even if it was always so random and only a few times a year, those times we would connect. Silent connections again. Just glance at eachother and smile. Maybe say an old inside joke from years ago every once and awhile. And that was that. Nothing more. It was so innocent. And then afterwards we'd talk about it and talk about how great it was to see eachother.

Nobody else would understand this. We would exchange a sentence or two outloud but we'd be talking the whole night.
Or maybe I'm crazy. I'll never know how she felt...


And then, a couple months ago... I came over.
At 10, just to stop and say hi.
We sat and talked for a while.
I had done it many times before.
But this time was different.
Both of us were confused about everything.
And we didn't like talking about it, but it was there.
And then we went to get ice cream.
Frosties actually.
And then we went to a park and that was where it happened again.
We ate the frosties and talked.
And then we walked around...and it was like 8th grade again and we were laughing so much.
And it was so cute, because she'd ask questions about girls and when I would answer them I could tell she would get so jealous. I loved it. And then we taught eachother how to dance. The moon looked so pretty. And then...we went back in the car and laid down and it was very quiet. And then we went back... and watched movies. And we were laying next to eachother. And then we weren't watching the old black and white movies. We weren't doing anything but holding eachother. We didn't kiss. We didn't do anything. We couldn't do anything expect breathe heavily. But I wanted to. But I couldn't. And then I left, and I had to sneak out... but I talked to her the way home. And we came to the conclusion that this was it. But we had to wait a little while...
And then I couldn't wait.
She broke up with him the next day.
But she said it wasn't because of me.
Not all because of me at least.
But I felt sad for him. So sad.
Best friend or not.
It's too much for a person and I've experienced similar pain and I know how bad it hurts and I never want anyone to go through that. So I said no to her, again.
I told her, again, that it wasn't the time.
We should just stay friends.
We'd missed our chance already and now it's too late to go back.

And then we fell out of closeness again, just like that.

And then out of nowhere there's him.
And I was confused.
I understood it, but it sucked.
That could be me right now, I kept thinking.
But I chose them over her...
Why...
It was so stupid of me. They had barely ever done anything for my benefit, and they didn't choose me over a girl ever, in particular her. And she did so much for me...




And I think about all the things that I've done that were based off of her.
The reason I was attracted to Heather was because she reminded me of Jenn.
The reason I started singing was because jenn told calvin and i to play basket case and my voice was horrible and i wanted to make it better...(still no luck)
The reason I started writing poems was because she asked me one day and I wanted to impress her.
The reason I got into music so much was because I wanted to impress her.
So many little things that I've done...for her, because of her, while thinking of her, while looking at her, while being with her.

And now it'll just continue because she's still here with me. I can feel her so well. Whenever I'm alone and I think of something bad...I think of how she is with me and she knows what I'm thinking and that I should stop. I don't want her to watch over me or watch through my eyes or my thoughts and think that I am not as great of a person as she thought I was.

I regret that I didn't tell her everything that night. I was so close...

Oh, and remember when you asked if I was over her? I wasn't then. But I am now.
Sadly, I don't think I will ever get over you, though.
This hurts.


And the last thing I said to her before she died was that she had ruined my life. That I was a mess of sadness because of her...