Gold Mind Gutted

We were stroke of luck.
We were a gold mine that gutted us.

This song has always had some weird meaning to me. I used to cry when I heard it.

It was grass-stained jeans and incompletes and a girl from class to touch
but you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love.

Why did I used to cry? It wasn't like bailing type thing; I mean sometimes a few tears would strike the carpet or land on my shirt but it was more of an internal sobbing that screamed out for something. And the last little melody that comes on right about now when the drums stop...it clenches that feeling. It tells it I should be sad. Why should I be sad? No other songs really hit me like this one. I guess it's because it used to get stuck in my head when it meant nothing and than as I sit here doing nothing I remember every time I heard it inside my head while something bad was happening. While I was getting kicked out or while I was being cheated on. Or while I was cheating on...Every regret goes straight back to this song. Yeah you might not remember when I sang bowl of oranges but directly after I was listening to this song for some reason. It's not like I planned it. Who would?
But it doesn't bother me as much anymore. It used to make me think of everything that has so many flaws and how, no matter how much I've tried, I really can't avoid the inevitable. And that's just more depressing. All these things around us that destroy not just individuals but everyone around them. And then they pass on their bad habits and the cycle repeats itself until theres no where to escape.
I don't do drugs. I never have. Why? People say it's great. People say I'd be perfect for it. It would really open my mind to creativity... But is it really your creatitvity when you need something to force it out of you? I've been debating this for a long time. To me it wouldn't just be about having a good time and getting high. That sounds ridiculous. If I did something that threatened every thing around me then I'd like it to serve a purpose. To help me somehow get over all these things that I just can't seem to get passed. All these obstacles. These nightmares I have where every regret in my past repeats itself in my future and I'm just doomed from the start. What's the point if that's how it's going to be. Can anything really help that? No, probably not. That's why I'm not totalled right now. But everyone seems so sure that I'm the perfect canidate. I don't really like politics. :/
Anyways. Noone really knows but I do drink sometimes. I mean its really nothing. I'm not rapidly escalading into an alcoholic. I haven't done it in awhile. But when I did...I was happy. I keep telling myself that stuff is in my head. That's always been my arguement. It's in your head. Drunkenness is in your head. In some ways I think I was right. You can control your actions if you think about them, but your mind is so easily distracted. You could be terribly sad for a moment and then distracted by something as simple as a stuffed animal and it'll make you bounce extremes, straight to a smile. A laugh out loud. And it doesn't matter that you're actually lawling because you aren't thinking about what people in your house think. Your fucking house that's always so fucking miserable. Your house that never really feels like a house when you walk in the front door so you escape to your room and everyone bitches at you, but they aren't any different. I'm sick of all the yelling and the screaming. It seems like it's every day; seems like its every night now. No, I know it is. And what did we do wrong? A job. I don't have a job. I'm lazy. Get over it. I go through phases. I might be happier sooner. Maybe not. But I've been looking for it so you shouldn't get mad at me. It's just with these kind of things, happiness mostly, they just come to you and you can't find them hidden in the soil and they certainily don't pop out at you. I'm doing what I can to keep sane even if I have minimal friends and something less than family...
A family. I always go to peoples houses. They are so close...I've never felt that before. Never. Everyones family seems so much more aware of each other. Noones hidding in their room.All four kids aren't hidding in their rooms, only communicating to bitch about back seat royalties and bathroom needs. I don't ever want something like that. I want the feeling of a family so bad and I don't know how to get it. I've felt it with friends before but friends can always desert you such as mine have done. Families can't leave which should make them try harder...
Fuck. I don't want to do this anymore...


Well I did my best, to keep my head..